I'm Alive!!!

Brittney and me 

Hey guys!
I know, it's been quite some time.

SO much has happened since we last sat down and had a chat.

I went to Jamaica!!!
It was beyond amazing, however, talking about it right now while the weather report calls for snow, makes me depressed. So, we will talk about it some other time. :)

I've re-done my downstairs bathroom all purdy! Now, that I will be showing you soon. The transformation is amazing! I have before and after pics for you!!

The better I started to feel, the more crazy I was going at home all day. Repainting and ripping stuff out just seemed like a good idea. If I had a bad day, I stopped. Trust me, no one finished it up while I was laying low. It was all mine!

I have finally decided to go back to work.
I'm excited, nervous, elated.....I'm feeling it all.

Not only am I opening my photography studio back up, but I am also starting down a new path, a new venture with a very close friend of mine.

I'm absolutely stoked about it and cannot wait to share it with all of you!

I will, however, be unavailable for the most part starting April 23rd, for at least 5 days, probably more like 7 or 8.

I FINALLY got the date for my stay at the Neurology Center where I will be Video/EEG monitored 24 hours a day.

UGH. Though I have been waiting for this for months, we will walk out with answers..finally, it pains me to think about 5 days in one room, waiting to have not one, but 2 seizures.

I'm scared.

All this time, all these months, I was hoping to NOT have a seizure. I've worked tirelessly to avoid them.
Now, I go, unmedicated and not only HOPE for them, but WAIT for them.

I feel the aftermath of these seizures. I just had one last night and just about bit my bottom lip off.
I limp around with the heating pad and the advil. I might not be aware when they are happening, but I sure as heck know by the way I feel after that it has to be terrible.
I can tell how bad a seizure is by the recovery time, how my muscles feel and if my legs are working right away.

SO, I'll say it again...I'm scared.

I'll be in touch peeps.

Talk Soon
Melissa

I'm not brave

update: 8 days no seizure activity.
I wish I could give up on counting..ugh.

Thank you, thank you for the love, support and good vibes from all my friends and readers! It has been overwhelming! I have gotten a few times, "You are so brave."

Me? brave? NO.
I'm a chicken. At my age I don't need to fake being tough.
I'm cool with being a big 'ol el wimpo.
I lay on the floor, have a fit, take a nap for a day or so. repeat.
I have to live it no matter what. Seizures rob you of all self control.
I have no say. I can't make it stop. It's going to happen whether I like it or not.
Not brave, just going with the motions of my life.

There are a few brave people I know though.
The real Bravehearts of my life.
Michael and my boys have a say.
They can make a decision.
And as hard as it is to watch their mother or the love of his life shake uncontrollably..
As much as they just want to look away....
they stay.

They stay to make sure I don't hit my head.
They stay and hold their face close to mine so I feel less scared when I wake up.
They wipe my tears.
They rub my head where they know it hurts every single time.
They help me get into bed.
All three of my boys, just like Michael know, after a seizure I don't verbalize well but if I could, I would always ask for 3 advil and 2 tylenol.
Its there for me, with water.
Michael has done things he never thought he would do and probably never wants to do again.
He has held my hand night after night while I slept so he would wake up if I had a seizure in my sleep.
My 12 year old son has chaperoned me for walks to the mailbox to make sure I was safe.
Heck, Kye and Caleb still have to chaperone when I use the stove!

I am blessed.

These four guys have had endure a lot through all of this.
They are brave.
They are loving and kind.
They are my personal heros.

I am a woman with a seizure disorder, however, I am completely safe 99% of the time because of the amazing man and young men that stand beside me every single day.

That's totally AWESOME.

Talk Soon.
Melissa

I'm leaving no time to be sick today

I just can't listen to my body today. And I really can't recap my "BIG" appointment with my EX skinny guy neurologist today, I promise, next time. I have photos that ABSOLUTELY have to go out today..just have to and I have a family I need to find some sunshine for. Hence the red lipstick in the photo below. I love red lipstick. I look terrible in it. I used to care that I looked terrible in it. Now I don't. Now when I put it on, I feel like I'm wielding a super hero cape. I need super hero powers today. You know, completing the photo thing, bringing happiness to a family, those are big things. I just wanted to pop in and show you my brandy new hairstyle. I cut like a million inches off, I think. I love it. I get tired so easy, it pretty much rocked when it only took 3 minutes to blow dry my hair!
ok peeps, I'm off to deliver photos and sunshine. Must get off my rear before my body figures out that we are sitting down!
Talk Soon
Melissa

THE BEFORE:

THE AFTER:

New Additions to the Family

Welcome Brutus and Lulu. Aren't they just the sweetest things?
More about them soon.

Talk Soon

Melissa

An Update and a Photo Tour

I went to my neurologist again today...AKA "really smart skinny guy who has a hard time looking me in the eye", who by the way, just got a dapper haircut. I must share my hypothesis on Mr. Smarty Pants, I mean, if you have time....

I am 5' 4" 120 lbs.(and a big fat liar too, but for the story, lets just say that weight is correct)
Anyway, Michael is pushing 6' 3" 275. (Like big...lift weights big. Looks like he eats children for breakfast)
We go into these appointments together because I am pretty close to useless at remembering anything about anything. As I mentioned, this Dr. refuses to look me in the eye and if I start to get emotional...FORGET IT, he is outta there! BUT! He will look Michael in the eye. He directs most of the conversation to Michael and acts as if I'm just a house plant that Michael likes to bring along to appointments.
With this information, I've decided he either grew up with a very domineering mother "No more coat hangers mother!!" OR maybe he just doesn't like me. I will keep you all posted when my investigation progresses.

Anyhow...back to the regularly scheduled program:

DR: "No seizure activity? That's good."

in my head: no shit

All I could think about was ....what about forgetting everything every five seconds? Like, I'm getting worried the next thing is forgetting to wipe here Doc, I'm getting worried. Is it normal that I get winded loading groceries on that thingy at the the grocery store, you know that thing that goes around and pulls the groceries down....and this..am I going to be like this forever????? So, I have't chased my head in 10 days GREAT, am I going to be stupid for the rest of my life???? And am I ever going to sleep a normal night's sleep and feel rested and not feel like I need to sleep all day. Am I going to stop acting like a sketch ball every time I go out in public?

Michael asked the memory question.

DR: "Her brain is exhausted. It needs rest."

in my head: no shit

that's it.
Seriously. Thats it.
Michael says I have a need to be stroked by sunshiny doctors who will tell me it will all be ok.
He is right I do. If you are operating on my brain, then ok. I don't care if you don't have a sensitive bone in your body, but if I'm meeting with you every other week trying to fix something that I feel has somewhat changed everything in my life then I need a little something.


So, my goal is to fight insomnia so I can "rest" my brain. Jordan and I walked around the house and took some photos to pass the time...trying to keep myself from thinking about how badly I just wanted to lay down. Here are our results:

Jordan insisted on a photo of her crayon box which is actually on of my favorite vintage recipe boxes. She has pretty much taken it over though. I don't think I can even really call it mine anymore.

Wouldn't you love to see the beautiful lake behind my house? Me too. I wish the lazy woman who lived here would take down the damn wreath! For the love of God! It's near middle of January! Those windows could use some cleaning as well! Geesh!

I love this clock. I've owned it for years. At least 11. It has been 8:15 for as long as I have owned it. Now I actually have a valid excuse for not remembering to buy batteries! ha!

Oh my. This old girl reminds me of one of the great days my mom and I spent looking for yard sales. We always have a blast! This was at the very first place we stopped and I didn't buy it. I went on and on about this darn thing how it was only 5 bucks and worth so much more and I just needed it ( I love all things vintage) I drove Mom crazy all day talking about this thing. Mom brought me back to get it at the end of the day. I was so proud of my "find". So proud, in fact, today was only the second time I have taken it out of the box. WHAT WAS I THINKING????? We had a heck of a day together, that was worth more than any amount of money or any "found treasure".

Before all of this, there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't create 'something'. Not just the art of my photography, but creating beautiful things is part of who I am, its what I do. I haven't been creative since August 12th. I'm actually scared that the seizures messed up the part of my brain that thinks and sees like I always have. Michael has always said: "I see things black and white...you live in color." I loved that about myself. Am I organized? Hell no. Do I plan? What is a plan? 

Those are things Michael is good at. I see beauty in most everything. I try to see the good in everyone. I love the world in color and I want to continue to add color to it. I want to be me.

This hangs in my dining room. 

My father always said:

Expect the worst, Hope for the best.

Heck with that expect the worst part....

with Hope and Gratitude and Love and Prayer and a whole lot of Laughter...its amazing how far you will go. 

Talk Soon

Melissa

What I've been up to...

Hey peeps. It has been a while. Totally my fault. It's me, not you.

sorry...I had to use the cheesiest break up line in the history of mankind.
Anyhow, let's get to business, shall we?
If you hadn't noticed, I started this blog, my facebook fan page etc. started going full force, then, I kind of disappeared. I chose to keep what was going on to myself because I didn't even know how I was dealing with it and being weak isn't my favorite thing to be. BUT because I wasn't around, there were unanswered calls, emails. people were wondering what was going on. So, either I play the shmuck or come clean. Since I have a new outlook on things..I've decided to come clean.

In the middle of August of this year I had my first grand mal seizure at 34 years old. The next day I felt like I had been run over by a truck and hit in the head with a sledge hammer, but I chalked it up to a high dosage of predisone I had been taking for some pretty severe poison sumac I had gotten on a family shoot.
Long story short, neurologist does all his tests...No, I have epilepsy and apparently always have. Any kind of stimulants are racing my heart blah blah blah....if you don't stop you don't see 50...whoa!!

I'm sorry really smart guy who can't seem to look me in the eye. That would only make my middle son thirty, that doesn't work for me.

I go home and change my life. I live the healthiest life possible. half a cup of coffee a day..that's it.
Running miles everyday, eating well. I'm a superstar!

In my eyes, it was a one seizure fluke.

Then.....they come and come and come, while on medication.
we up the meds, they come. we change the meds, they come, we up, they come.

RIght now I am on day 8 with no seizures. I want to do I dance but I don't have the energy.

In the last month and a half I had 54 seizures.
We don't understand why my seizures are so resistant to the medications, but they certainly are....well until now, fingers crossed.

Enough about the lame stuff....that's depressing....check this out:

I look totally awesome don't I? Which scares you more? the wires or my eyebrows?

This was my second one...I wish we had gotten pics of the first one. Oh yeah, I was all depressed and acting like a big ol baby then. haha.

This, my friends, is how one survives when they aren't supposed to do anything alone! A Nook has been added into the collection and I wear sunglasses while on my laptop at times (paranoid about the light) I can only keep concentration for a maximum of 15 minutes so my reading goes very slow. Ive read both of these anyhow, but they are worth reading over and over.

This is my girl Jordan. She has been coming with me forever. She calls me crazy Auntie. I love her so much. We always did projects and made cool things and played outside. One of my rules was that we didn't watch TV at Auntie's. Now that I'm sick, that's all we do. This particular night, I put one of my sparkly shirts over her jammies, put some costume jewelry and a bit of blush on and we decided my bedroom was the perfect place for a ball. It was the best ball ever. She didn't care if my hair looked like a "haystack" as she calls it, she told me I was beautiful and I told her the same. Everyone needs a niece like her. She lifts my spirit every week when she runs to the house yelling.."Crazy Auntie...I'm Here!!!!"

Talk Soon,

Melissa

I really don't want to be a grinch...

Yes, Caleb looks like he is the center of attention, but listen, if you knew my life right now, you would know we are lucky just to have a photo..especially one that was semi approved by all three of them. The kicker is....this photo was taken quite some time ago. Its now the middle of December in Maine and we don't have a lick of snow. Crazy...yes.

I'd totally be lying if I said I'm stoked about the impending holiday. UGH. I dread it every single year....this year is WAY worse. I let my 4 year old niece decorate my pathetic fake tree, which means 5000 decorations on the bottom, nothing on top and I haven't moved them. She thinks its an ode to her tree decorating perfection and mentions it every single time she walks by it. I choose to keep it to myself that its her Crazy Auntie's pure laziness as to why I have a bottom only decorated tree.

I truly want to love this holiday...I really do. I'm going to give it my best shot.

In the mean time...enjoy the holiday season peeps!

Talk Soon

Melissa

Maine Senior Portrait Photographer

Here is a look at one of my recent senior photo sessions. These kids were so sweet.

Thank Ashlee and Richard!!!

Talk Soon,

Melissa

Rockin' it with the Baker kids

Had a little fun with these kiddos last week. What a blast!!

Thank You Bakers!

Talk Soon,

Melissa

self portrait...kinda

if you look closely...you can see me in his eyes. :)

The middle child....Caleb.
So handsome.

Talk Soon
Melissa