I am 5' 4" 120 lbs.(and a big fat liar too, but for the story, lets just say that weight is correct)
Anyway, Michael is pushing 6' 3" 275. (Like big...lift weights big. Looks like he eats children for breakfast)
We go into these appointments together because I am pretty close to useless at remembering anything about anything. As I mentioned, this Dr. refuses to look me in the eye and if I start to get emotional...FORGET IT, he is outta there! BUT! He will look Michael in the eye. He directs most of the conversation to Michael and acts as if I'm just a house plant that Michael likes to bring along to appointments.
With this information, I've decided he either grew up with a very domineering mother "No more coat hangers mother!!" OR maybe he just doesn't like me. I will keep you all posted when my investigation progresses.
Anyhow...back to the regularly scheduled program:
DR: "No seizure activity? That's good."
in my head: no shit
All I could think about was ....what about forgetting everything every five seconds? Like, I'm getting worried the next thing is forgetting to wipe here Doc, I'm getting worried. Is it normal that I get winded loading groceries on that thingy at the the grocery store, you know that thing that goes around and pulls the groceries down....and this..am I going to be like this forever????? So, I have't chased my head in 10 days GREAT, am I going to be stupid for the rest of my life???? And am I ever going to sleep a normal night's sleep and feel rested and not feel like I need to sleep all day. Am I going to stop acting like a sketch ball every time I go out in public?
Michael asked the memory question.
DR: "Her brain is exhausted. It needs rest."
in my head: no shit
that's it.
Seriously. Thats it.
Michael says I have a need to be stroked by sunshiny doctors who will tell me it will all be ok.
He is right I do. If you are operating on my brain, then ok. I don't care if you don't have a sensitive bone in your body, but if I'm meeting with you every other week trying to fix something that I feel has somewhat changed everything in my life then I need a little something.
So, my goal is to fight insomnia so I can "rest" my brain. Jordan and I walked around the house and took some photos to pass the time...trying to keep myself from thinking about how badly I just wanted to lay down. Here are our results:
Jordan insisted on a photo of her crayon box which is actually on of my favorite vintage recipe boxes. She has pretty much taken it over though. I don't think I can even really call it mine anymore.
Wouldn't you love to see the beautiful lake behind my house? Me too. I wish the lazy woman who lived here would take down the damn wreath! For the love of God! It's near middle of January! Those windows could use some cleaning as well! Geesh!
I love this clock. I've owned it for years. At least 11. It has been 8:15 for as long as I have owned it. Now I actually have a valid excuse for not remembering to buy batteries! ha!
Oh my. This old girl reminds me of one of the great days my mom and I spent looking for yard sales. We always have a blast! This was at the very first place we stopped and I didn't buy it. I went on and on about this darn thing how it was only 5 bucks and worth so much more and I just needed it ( I love all things vintage) I drove Mom crazy all day talking about this thing. Mom brought me back to get it at the end of the day. I was so proud of my "find". So proud, in fact, today was only the second time I have taken it out of the box. WHAT WAS I THINKING????? We had a heck of a day together, that was worth more than any amount of money or any "found treasure".
Before all of this, there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't create 'something'. Not just the art of my photography, but creating beautiful things is part of who I am, its what I do. I haven't been creative since August 12th. I'm actually scared that the seizures messed up the part of my brain that thinks and sees like I always have. Michael has always said: "I see things black and white...you live in color." I loved that about myself. Am I organized? Hell no. Do I plan? What is a plan?
Those are things Michael is good at. I see beauty in most everything. I try to see the good in everyone. I love the world in color and I want to continue to add color to it. I want to be me.
This hangs in my dining room.
My father always said:
Expect the worst, Hope for the best.
Heck with that expect the worst part....
with Hope and Gratitude and Love and Prayer and a whole lot of Laughter...its amazing how far you will go.
Talk Soon
Melissa
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